


Just Once

by JimmyPenguin421



Series: Happy Endings [5]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barriss Offee Needs a Hug, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:28:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26634352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JimmyPenguin421/pseuds/JimmyPenguin421
Summary: Five times Barriss wanted a hug from her master, and one time she got one.
Relationships: Barriss Offee & Luminara Unduli
Series: Happy Endings [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1858375
Comments: 13
Kudos: 63





	Just Once

**Author's Note:**

> So this is something I've been working on for a while. I planned to post it today, and I may or may not have neglected a lot of homework to make it happen. Don't worry, I'll be fine. Hopefully :)  
> But why today, you ask?  
> Today is September 24, and I started writing fanfiction on March 24. So this is for my six-month fanfiction birthday. Also, my actual birthday was earlier this month, so there's that too :D  
> Enjoy!

_One_

The crackle of lightsabers filled the sparring room as Barriss’s lightsaber flashed back and forth, swiping away her master’s blade with ease.

“Good, Padawan,” Luminara said.

One of the things Barriss had noticed about her master was that her voice always sounded the same. No matter if she were simply conversing with Barriss or… well, sparring with her, her voice always kept the same calm, even tone.

Of course, that was to be expected now, since Luminara was clearly going easy on her. This was only practice, after all.

Just as that thought passed through Barriss’s mind, Luminara began to press her harder. Their lightsabers danced faster, green against blue.

Although Luminara preferred Soresu, the most defensive form of lightsaber combat, Barriss noticed that she was currently using a different form—Makashi, if she wasn’t mistaken. Soresu was based almost entirely around defense, so it made sense for Luminara to use a different form to help Barriss learn Soresu herself. Still, even outside of her preferred form, Luminara lost not one iota of precision and control.

The point was proven when Luminara’s lightsaber flashed a little too close to her face.

Barriss realized too late that she had been distracted. She stumbled backward, trying to regain her footing and a defensive stance at the same time.

It was in vain. Her feet caught on her skirt and she tripped backward.

Remembering that she was holding a weapon that could seriously injure her if she fell with it, she deactivated it and tossed it to the side. Her other hand reached backward to break her fall.

There was a _crack_ ing noise. Barriss yelped as pain shot up her arm.

She really hoped that noise had just been the sound of her hand hitting the floor.

But the pain persisted, and it hurt, it hurt so much.

Barriss heard Luminara call her name.

Then the familiar noise of a deactivating lightsaber.

Footsteps hurrying toward her.

Her name called again.

She tried to respond, but the only thing that came out was a whimper.

An arm skirted around her shoulders and eased her up into a sitting position.

Instinctively, she leaned into her master’s hold, just to feel something other than the agony burning in her arm.

But no sooner had she done so than Luminara withdrew and took the hand of Barriss’s injured arm in her own.

“Stay still,” she said, still keeping her usual calm, even tone of voice.

Despite her best efforts, Barriss couldn’t help a small flinch when Luminara laid her other hand over the pain in her arm.

“Calm, Padawan,” Luminara said, giving her hand a soft squeeze.

Barriss exhaled shakily and willed herself to stay still, focusing on Luminara’s face instead of the pain. She watched Luminara close her eyes, and felt the pain subside a bit as Luminara channeled the Force through her arm.

After a few seconds, Luminara’s eyes opened again. “To the Healers,” she said, once again putting her arm around Barriss’s shoulders to help her up.

This time, Barriss made a conscious effort not to lean against her too much.

* * *

_Two_

Barriss groaned and let her head fall against her hand, her eyes dropping shut as she rubbed them with her palm.

She had so much work to do.

She wouldn’t have minded, except for that she knew that most of what she had to do was either unnecessary or could be done in a much more efficient manner.

But to whom could she tell that? Who would listen? She would be dismissed as petulant, complaining, even lazy.

And so here she was, working away on things that (in her opinion) missed the point of the purpose for which they were assigned.

That was an odd thought. She turned it around in her head, wondering if it were grammatically sound, not to mention logically so.

Right. The assignment.

The errant thoughts wandering about in her head were irrelevant.

She sighed and looked back down at her datapad.

_For each of the following, write six possible statements—_

Wait. How much was “the following”?

She scrolled down and was met with a long list. Twenty items at the very least.

Twenty times six…

It was a testament to her exhaustion how long it took to get the answer.

One hundred and twenty statements.

She wasn’t one to complain about work, but she didn’t like working for little or no purpose. And honestly, what purpose did this serve? She was sure she understood the material much better than most of her classmates, and certainly much better than she would probably ever need.

A knock sounded on the door.

Barriss sighed. “Enter.”

The door slid open.

“What are you doing, Padawan?” Luminara asked. There was no criticism in her tone, no judgement. Just a Master asking what her Padawan was up to.

“Classwork,” Barriss said, and instantly regretted how petulant she sounded.

Luminara didn’t seem to notice. “How’s it going?” she asked, walking up next to Barriss to look at the various papers and pads laid out across her desk.

 _It’s not,_ Barriss wanted to say. She wanted to stop, she wanted to rest. She could feel Luminara’s robes brushing against her arm, and to her tired mind they seemed like blankets, and she felt the sudden urge to just collapse against them and go to sleep.

But that would be most inappropriate. Not to mention that she didn’t have time to sleep now.

So she just sighed. “It’s going all right.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Luminara smile slightly. “Good.”

The soft, warm, blankety robes brushed against Barriss again as Luminara turned and left.

* * *

_Three_

There weren’t supposed to be any Separatists in the area.

Barriss and her master had been on their way to negotiate with the leaders of some system or another—she couldn’t remember now, it didn’t really matter—when a Separatist ship had dropped out of hyperspace.

They hadn’t been able to escape. And they couldn’t defend themselves, as they were in a diplomatic shuttle with little (if any) armament.

Barriss could still hear the clones yelling as the shuttle plummeted down, down, down onto the cold, nameless planet where they were stuck now.

She and her master had been the only survivors.

Granted, besides them there had only been a pilot and copilot on the shuttle, but that didn’t make it any better.

Two lives lost was two too many, Barriss thought as she pressed the last of the cold, damp dirt into place over the makeshift grave of the pilot and pushed herself to her feet. Nearby, Luminara stood up from the copilot’s grave.

For a moment, she and Barriss stood facing the graves in silence.

Barriss wondered what the clones’ names were, what they liked to do, what they were like.

How many friends did they have?

Luminara gave a soft sigh, turned, and walked back toward what was left of the shuttle. Barriss followed, her eyes stinging.

She wasn’t crying. Jedi didn’t cry.

It was just the cold air.

The air in the ship was warmer, but not by much. A shiver ran through Barriss as she watched Luminara walking about, opening compartments in search of something or other.

Mirialans naturally ran at a lower temperature than most other species, so cold didn’t usually bother Barriss unless it was really cold. Right now, though, her grief seemed to combine with the cold to make her feel even worse.

Luminara seemed to find what she was looking for—a bundle of some sort. She sat down against the far wall of the room and gestured for Barriss to join her.

Her boots tapping loudly against the hard metal floor, Barriss made her way across the room and sat down next to her master. The floor was cold, even through her robes, and she shivered again.

Luminara unfolded the bundle, which turned out to be a blanket, and held one side of it out to Barriss.

Barriss had no idea why there was a blanket on the ship, but she wasn’t complaining. She gladly accepted the part of the blanket proffered by her master and wrapped herself in it. Even with the blanket, she still felt cold, so she pulled her knees up in front of herself to conserve warmth.

“Come,” Luminara said, beckoning to her.

Barriss looked at her uncertainly. If she came any closer to her master, she would practically be sitting on top of her.

“It’ll be warmer,” Luminara explained. “Come.”

Hesitantly, Barriss scooted toward her until their sides were touching.

It _was_ warm. It felt nice.

“We’ve sent the distress call,” Luminara said. “All there is to do is wait.”

Barriss shifted slightly to get more comfortable. Without thinking, she let her head drop onto Luminara’s shoulder.

Luminara didn’t seem to mind. She stayed still, not moving a muscle as Barriss settled into a cozy position against her side. It was almost unsettling how still she was.

Why didn’t she acknowledge Barriss in some way?

Right now, Barriss barely felt like there was a person next to her.

She wanted her master to maybe… put an arm around her shoulders, pull her close, tell her everything was all right.

And where in the world did _that_ come from?

Well, it _was_ cold, and having someone hold her would make her warmer…

 _You’re touch-starved,_ her mind suggested.

_No I’m not. Stop it._

Barriss closed her eyes and sighed.

She was just tired. That was it. She needed to rest.

As she fell asleep, she wondered how her master could stay so still for so long.

* * *

_Four_

Everything was dark.

Barriss and Ahsoka’s lightsabers only did so much to hold back the darkness seeping around the edges of the small cockpit of the tank.

The only sound was that of Ahsoka tinkering with the power cell.

And their breathing.

Their breathing seemed very loud.

What was it like to suffocate? Did it hurt?

Or was it just like falling asleep?

Sleep sounded good…

Barriss shook herself. _No! Stop! Don’t think that!_

Out loud, she said, “We should talk. To stay awake.”

Ahsoka laughed shortly, tapping the power cell against something else (Barriss couldn’t see what) and producing a rhythmic sparking. “About what?”

“Anything, I suppose.”

There was silence for a moment.

“Well, uh…” Ahsoka cleared her throat. “Nice weather today?”

Barriss chuckled. But she played along. “A little warm for my taste.”

“You’re Mirialan,” Ahsoka pointed out. “I, on the other hand… Shili is warm most of the time, so I’m made for that, I guess.”

“What’s it like?”

“Lots of grass. Some trees. Lakes and rivers.”

“It sounds nice.”

“Mm.”

Silence prevailed again.

Barriss tried to think of something else to say, but she felt heavy and fuzzy.

She glanced over at Ahsoka.

Her head was drooping, but she was still tapping away with the power cell, mumbling to herself.

“Master… I know you’re… please…”

It was hopeless. Barriss could feel herself getting weaker, and she was sure the same was happening to Ahsoka. By the time anyone got to them, it would be too late.

She sucked in a breath, a breath that felt like it only held half the oxygen it should, and whispered, “Ahsoka…”

Why was it so hard to speak?

Slowly, Ahsoka’s head lifted.

Barriss didn’t say anything more, just held out her hand.

Ahsoka smiled faintly. She reached out and clasped Barriss’s hand in her own.

If they were going to die, at least they would die together.

But their masters would never see them again…

Master Skywalker would be upset if Ahsoka died, Barriss knew. He cared fiercely for all the people in his life.

But if Barriss died, would her master be upset?

Barriss cared for her master, and she knew her master cared too. At least she hoped so. They never really expressed feelings to each other.

If Barriss died, would her master mourn her? Or simply push the feelings aside as she always did, as they both strived to do?

It wasn’t as if it would really matter, because Barriss would be dead, but it would almost make her feel better if she knew she had meant something to someone.

Suddenly there was a cracking and creaking and groaning, and light, real, beautiful golden sunlight, not that of a lightsaber, came shining into Barriss’s face. She blinked and held up a hand to shield her eyes.

It looked like they wouldn’t be dying today.

“Let’s get out of here,” Ahsoka said, putting away her lightsaber and stumbling to her feet.

Barriss deactivated her own lightsaber and clipped it back to her belt. She braced her hand against the floor and pushed herself up into a kneeling position.

Her head spun with even that little motion.

She took a few breaths until the dizziness abated, then moved her hand to the wall. Slowly, unsteadily, she got to her feet.

Ahsoka was already climbing out of the tank, and Barriss followed. Almost as soon as she stepped out, she choked on air, hot dusty desert air thick and rich with oxygen.

It felt like the best air in the galaxy.

“Barriss!”

That was Luminara’s voice. But it wasn’t her usual calm, controlled tone. It was pure worry and fear and relief and joy all rolled up into one.

Luminara _never_ let her feelings show in her speech.

But now she had, and they were a perfect reflection of Barriss’s own feelings.

Barriss was dimly aware of scrambling in the direction of her master, of a clone boosting her up, of grabbing onto protruding pieces of rock and pulling herself upward.

And then there she was, standing before her master.

“Padawan, you did well,” Luminara said. Her controlled, level tone was back.

Barriss inclined her head in a bow. “Thank you, Master. But if it weren’t for Ahsoka, we’d still be down there.”

“Indeed,” Luminara agreed. She looked over toward Ahsoka and Master Skywalker, and her eyebrow went up.

Barriss followed her master’s gaze. Her eyes widened at what she saw.

Ahsoka was clinging to Master Skywalker, her arms wrapped tightly around his middle. And even more unbelievable was the fact that Master Skywalker was hugging her back.

“I’m glad you’re safe, Snips,” he said. His voice was so soft that Barriss could barely hear it. But she did, and she knew her own master had too.

Luminara shook her head disapprovingly, turned, and walked away.

Barriss knew that Luminara was right to disapprove, that Ahsoka and her master were far too attached to each other. But still, she found herself wondering what it was like to have someone hold you close, assure you that you were safe and that they cared about you.

She glanced briefly at Ahsoka and her master again before looking away.

That would never be her.

Nobody would ever care enough about her to hold her like that.

A pang of pain shot through her heart at that thought, but she shoved it down.

She would never be _attached_ enough to anyone for them to hold her like that.

Barriss shook her head to clear it, and then followed after her master.

* * *

_Five_

As soon as the door to her quarters slid shut, Barriss collapsed onto her bunk. She had been awake for almost a day straight, and she just wanted to sleep for another full day.

But so many men had been injured during the mission, and she couldn’t just rest while they needed help.

She _had_ been helping, until Luminara gently but firmly pushed her out of the _Tranquility’s_ medbay, telling her that she was of no use to anyone if she was about to fall over from exhaustion.

Barriss had tried to protest, but Luminara just looked her in the eyes and said, “Everyone’s stable. We can handle it. Go. Get some rest, Barriss.”

She hadn’t been resisting because they needed help. Not really. She did want to help, but she knew deep inside that everything would be fine without her.

That wasn’t the real reason she had resisted.

She had wanted to stay because she had to stay awake, she had to keep busy, she had to try to save those she could in order to avoid dwelling on those she couldn’t.

But her master had ordered her to rest, and so here she was.

Here in the lonely, empty, silent darkness of her quarters, there was nothing to keep her busy, nothing to distract her. Try as she might, she couldn’t keep her mind from drifting back over the events of the past twenty-four hours.

They had arrived on-planet yesterday morning and set up camp. It was honestly quite a pretty planet—there was green everywhere, and lots of trees.

All that day, nothing really happened. Everyone just enjoyed the scenery. A few of the clones went swimming in a nearby lake. Others explored among the trees.

But that night, the Separatists attacked.

Barriss had been asleep for maybe an hour or two when the clones on watch raised the alarm. The forests they had admired by day made the battle a nightmare, a mess of clanking and yelling and running and blaster fire between the trees.

By the time the sun rose, the Republic forces had achieved victory, but at a high cost.

Luminara and Barriss had scrambled about, trying to save as many of their men as they could.

They hadn’t been able to save all of them.

Barriss knew that was the reality of war, but it didn’t make it easier.

Every one of those men was her friend.

And so many of them were gone.

Although part of her knew she should stop thinking about this, Barriss couldn’t stop herself.

She remembered falling to her knees beside Pacc, reaching into the Force to detect his injuries.

On the first day Barriss had met the 41st, Pacc had been the first to introduce himself to her. He had helped her feel comfortable around him and the other clones.

She remembered his hand latching onto hers, his peaceful smile as he told her to help his brothers, it was too late for him.

And it was, and she didn’t even have time to be upset, because she had to help his brothers, but it was too late for so many of them too…

Barriss whimpered, and then cringed at how pitiful she sounded.

Men were lost all the time, and none of the other Padawans were crying over them. She needed to pull herself together.

That thought just made it all the more impossible.

Barriss buried her face into her pillow and wailed in anguish. She hated to hear herself doing this, hated herself for giving in to her emotions, but she couldn’t stop, she couldn’t control it.

When she couldn’t scream anymore, she curled into a ball, hugging the pillow against herself, and sobbed brokenly.

Why did they have to die?

Why couldn’t she save them?

Why did there have to be a war?

Why, why, why?

Why did she feel so alone?

She wanted her master. Even if Luminara reprimanded her for letting her emotions get the best of her, for being too attached to her master, Barriss would give anything for Luminara to be with her right now. She didn’t care if she was attached, she needed her master.

Lifting her head and trying to blink the tears back, she looked toward the door, as if expecting Luminara to enter the room at that moment.

Darkness was the only thing she saw.

Luminara was busy and she couldn’t be pulled away from her duties because her Padawan was a failure and an emotional wreck.

Barriss curled up tighter and pulled a blanket around herself, trying to make herself feel some semblance of safety.

It didn’t work.

The tears returned, and she stayed there, hiding under the blanket and crying like the pathetic youngling she was.

_And_

When Luminara sensed the tremors in the Force, she nearly staggered with the weight of them.

And when she realized that they were coming from her Padawan, she immediately set off for Barriss’s quarters.

She used the Force to open the door before she even reached it. It slid open with a _hiss,_ and she slipped quietly into the room, closing the door behind her.

Blinking in the dark, she dimly saw Barriss curled in a fetal position under a blanket, shaking and whimpering.

She had seen Barriss upset before, but never this badly.

And Barriss _never_ cried.

What was wrong? What happened?

And how in the world was she supposed to deal with this?

She moved toward the bunk and sat down carefully on the edge of it. Cleared her throat.

Then, after a moment, she laid a hand on what looked like Barriss’s back and softly said, “Padawan?”

Slowly, Barriss peeked out from the blanket, her eyes red and her face streaked with tears.

“What’s wrong?” Luminara asked, trying to be as gentle as possible.

Barriss just looked at her for a moment. Her lips moved, but no sound came out. More tears welled up in her eyes, and she made a coughing sort of noise. She let her head drop back onto the bunk, curling tighter around herself as more sobs shook her body despite her attempts to hold them back.

Before Luminara knew what she was doing, she was laying down beside her Padawan and pulling her into her arms. She wasn’t sure why, but it just felt natural.

She must’ve done something right, because Barriss immediately buried her face against her shoulder and let herself cry.

Luminara didn’t know what to do. She had no experience with comforting crying Padawans. But almost automatically, her hand settled at the back of Barriss’s head to cradle her against her shoulder.

And maybe it was her imagination, but it seemed that Barriss calmed a little at that. Her sobs began to quiet, and she turned her head, pushing slightly into Luminara’s hand.

Barriss had never sought physical contact with her before.

But then, Luminara had never seen her this upset before.

She let her fingers run over Barriss’s hair, combing through the dark locks in what she hoped was a soothing gesture, while wondering what could have happened.

Whatever it was must have been something horrible to have this effect on Barriss. Luminara was almost afraid—no, she _was_ afraid to ask about it.

Then something worse occurred to her.

Was it something she did?

Had it been she who had hurt her Padawan?

“Barriss?” she whispered. “What’s wrong?”

Barriss tensed.

Instantly, Luminara held her closer, trying to keep her calm. “Shh, shh. I won’t be upset, I promise.”

She heard a sniffle.

And then, barely audible, “The clones… the war… why… how can the Jedi let…”

On the last word, Barriss’s voice broke and she started to tremble again.

Of course. Barriss was a teenager, and she was fighting in a war and watching people die. Of course she would be upset! Why hadn’t Luminara thought of that?

She was the worst master ever.

“Shh,” she whispered, stroking Barriss’s hair again. “It’s all right, you’re safe.”

“Why does there have to be a war?” Barriss whimpered.

“I don’t know, Padawan,” Luminara sighed. “I don’t know.”

There was a pause, during which Barriss sniffled and Luminara pondered how best to comfort her.

At last, she said, “I, too, wish the war had never happened.”

Barriss shifted and pulled back to look up at her. Her eyes were still full of tears, but they weren’t falling anymore, and she seemed calmer now.

Luminara looked her in the eyes. “But that is not for us to decide,” she went on, her voice barely above a whisper. “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” She gave Barriss a small smile, brushing a few stray bits of hair back from her face. “The war is horrible, Barriss, and I’m so very sorry that you have to grow up in it. But I care for you, and I’m here for you. I always will be.”

Luminara just had time to see more tears welling up in Barriss’s eyes before Barriss threw her arms around her and hugged her tightly. She gladly returned the embrace, holding her dear Padawan close to her heart.

They stayed that way until they drifted off into dreamless, peaceful sleep, still holding each other close.


End file.
